#43 - Vulnerability & Anxiety
Hey, hey ladies, how are you this week? I am pre recording this episode because by the time this episode airs, I will be on a private island, enjoying the beach and the sun and the water and relaxing. I'm very excited. Dude and I leave on Saturday. It's going to be amazing. We actually have a couple of weeks coming up. We're going to a friend's cabin on an. An island for a week, and then we are coming back for one day and then heading straight out to a big log cabin we rented on a lake in the middle of BC and, some really good friends of ours are driving out from Alberta to meet us there with their family and their dog. So, we've got a couple of really good weeks coming up. So I'm excited about that.
But today, we're going to dive into episode number 43, vulnerability and anxiety. All right. So I think. Honestly, there isn't anyone that I've ever met that doesn't have a relationship with anxiety. I think anxiety is a feeling that is becoming more and more recognizable and more and more common in our world today. So I went to the Google's, I'm pretty much going to start every episode in the vulnerability series off with the Google's. Um, and I looked up anxiety and I found a definition from psychiatry.org and it says anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and can be beneficial in some situations, it can alert us to dangers and help us prepare and pay attention. Anxiety disorders differ from normal feelings of nervousness or anxiousness and involve excessive fear or anxiety. So anxiety is a human feeling and some of you who have done work with me, you know, that feelings are vibrations in our body that are caused by the thoughts in our head. So we have a thought, maybe about a circumstance, maybe about another human being, a person, or about our life or about ourselves and that thought then creates the vibration of anxiety in our body. So anxiety is literally just an energy vibration in your body and to me, anxiety feels. Almost like a bee buzzing around in my chest, it feels tight. It feels very high frequency. It can be paralyzing and yet my heartbeat is going at a thousand miles an hour. Right. Now, know that your vibration of anxiety may field differently whenever we are describing an emotion, everybody has a very personal relationship with the emotions they feel. So if anxiety feels differently to you, that is totally okay. Maybe to you, anxiety doesn't feel like buzzing. Maybe it feels more paralyzing and more still, but however you feel anxiety, that is okay. However you experience it, it is unique to you. Now, I didn't really have a relationship with anxiety. There were small parts I'm sure in my life as a teenager where I had social anxiety, and anxiety about people liking me or fitting in, the very normal adolescent anxiety situations. And I really feel for teenagers and adolescents in the world today because I feel like the stress that we put on them and the world that they live in is creating much higher levels of anxiety than what even I dealt with. You know, 20, 30 years ago. Now I traveled a lot through my twenties. I worked in a lot of different jobs. I lived in a lot of different places and I built up a really strong resilience to change. I enjoy change. I feel like I do really well in chaos. And I've always considered myself pretty flexible, can you guys hear dude snoring? Okay, a pretty flexible person.
But back in, I don't even remember what year it was now, you guys. But back when I lived in Brandon, Manitoba, I had a personal training center in a fitness facility and one night that fitness facility burnt down. And this was in my mid twenties, maybe mid to late twenties. I had been a business owner for maybe five years. At this time I had a full clientele. I had trainers working for me. And they had clients and I had a full studio set up in this fitness facility. So I was selling protein powder and I had a big back office area with a lot of tech equipment. And I had a lot invested in this place. It was my business. It was where I made my living and I got a phone call the next morning that informed me that this business had burnt down. And, um, when I think back, I don't even remember how I felt, I'm pretty sure I was in a bit of denial. I had, I remember getting in my vehicle and driving over there. And looking at the damage and you could tell, there was a fire. It didn't look extensive. I was able to walk through a lot of my equipment, my product, my trophies, like all of my stuff. Just more so had smoke damage than actual, like burnt to a crisp damage. They had water damage from the fire being put out. But the facility itself definitely needed to be completely gutted and rebuilt. I think I took a few days. I don't remember you guys. I, I ended up finding a gym and I'm just going to put a little shout out to Debbie and Wayne Gross, the owners who welcomed me and my training staff in to their facility in Brandon Manitoba with open arms at that time and allowed us to bring our clients in, gave our clients an amazing deal and we were able to work out of this facility. That probably took about a week in total. So there wasn't a huge interruption in income. There wasn't a huge interruption in work. However, what happened inside me in my brain and in my energy with something, I don't even quite know how to explain. I went through this period, even after we had started working at this new gym, where I was constantly in a state of fight or flight. My anxiety was extremely high. And I couldn't seem to calm it down. If someone asked me a question. An easy question. Like what do you want for lunch? I would almost have a full anxiety attack trying to come up with a decision. And after speaking to a few friends about what I was going through, one of my friends who had anxiety. And was being treated for anxiety at the time, said Lylas, I think you might have an anxiety disorder. And so I went and spoke with my doctor about it. And she suggested that we try an anti-anxiety medication. And at this time I was very anti medication. I was very, I can do this on my own. I don't need to be medicated. And, um, she sat me down and she said, this is what's going on.
You've had a traumatic experience where your livelihood was taken away. Your brain recognized that something it thought was safe, your business, a business you've created that you own that felt very safe to you could be taken away in a heartbeat and that freaked your brain out that was traumatic for your brain and your brain just hasn't caught up with the processing of it yet. So your brain is staying in this panic mode because it needs to be ready and prepared to fight or flight, right? Fight flight or freeze. At all times and your parasympathetic system is just not getting a chance to shut down and reset. And she said to me, an anti-anxiety medication doesn't need to be something that you're on forever. She said, what we'll do is help calm your brain down, calm your nervous system down so that you can cope and process and deal with what's going on from a place of much more clarity. So we decided to go ahead with it. We did a very small dose of two different pharmaceuticals. I can probably remember them. I think it was Citalopram and Clonazepam. And so Citalopram was something I was to take daily and Clonazepam was something I was to take only in situations where I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. And I did you guys, I had multiple panic attacks and anxiety attacks over this kind of period of, I think it was about six months from the fire to, when I decided to take an anti-anxiety was probably two to three months of me being incredibly indecisive, having panic attacks. Oh. And I was having a very physical response to the anxiety you guys, whenever something would happen where I felt a little bit threatened or someone asked me a question. I didn't know the answer, or someone with authority came over and asked me questions. I would break out in hives, like from my chin line. All the way down my chest would just turn red and rashy and hot and itchy. And it was happening more and more frequently. And so, I ended up taking this medication. And I want to share this with you guys, because I know a lot of people out there are anti-medication and there are a lot of people out there who are on medication and feeling shame about it or feeling weakness about it. So, I just want to shine some light on it and just normalize it a little bit, that it is okay to need help. What I really suggest is being aware of how the medication helps you and what I notice from my experience, was when I started taking the medication, it took about a week and I started really noticing more clarity. Like that's the word the doctor had used and that's exactly what I noticed. I would get to an intersection and have a choice of turning left or right to go to work and the decision wouldn't cause me anxiety. It would be an easy decision to make which way would I rather go? Whereas a week before I was getting anxiety about all the things that could go wrong, if I made the wrong decision, right. So I noticed that clarity, I noticed that the constant brain chatter of all the things that could go wrong kind of went away for me and I was able to kind of take a big deep breath and I was able to sleep better. And there were a few times over the course of the next few months where I did have panic attacks and I did need to take the Clonazepam and it calmed me down. It reduced my heart rate. I think there were times that my heart rate probably got up over 200 beats a minute, just because of the way my thoughts were causing this anxiety. And after about three months of taking this medication, I decided I wanted to wean myself off. I cut my dose. I think I was on, I want to say 10 milligrams or maybe 20 milligrams. And then I cut it down to 10 and then I went down to five, but over the course of four weeks, I slowly weaned myself off. I let my doctor know I was doing this. She thought that I would've liked to have seen me stay on it for six months. But I was pretty adamant that I was ready to wean myself off. I was feeling better. I had created a new community of the gym that I was working at. I decided to stay there permanently. The old facility was being rebuilt and I didn't want to put myself back in that same setting. So I decided to stay at the new place. I was really enjoying the atmosphere. So anyway, it took four weeks to win myself off. And what I noticed you guys was that the anxiety came back. But I was able to recognize it because I weaned myself off so slowly I didn't just cold Turkey it. I have my dose and then half my dose again. Before I pulled myself off, I was able to notice the anxiety come back in small situations, in moments and I was able to say, oh, this is anxiety. Why is this happening? What am I thinking? Is that thought really appropriate? Is that thought really as scary as what my brain is thinking? Does this choice really have a life or death attachment to it. And I was able to really start to be aware of what my thoughts and my emotions were doing. And I was able to find other coping mechanisms to deal with my anxiety. I was able to pull myself out of situations. I was able to practice breath work. I was able to process it in a way that felt healthy to me. Now, the hives didn't go away. And maybe had I stayed on the medication longer, the hives would have went away. What I've discovered now is like 10 years later, you guys. I still get the hives. And I noticed that there are a lot worse when I have caffeine in my system. So if you're someone who does struggle with anxiety, I noticed that my anxiety is heightened when I have caffeine and my hives are more intense and come up more frequently when I have caffeine. So caffeine is something that I'm very conscious of. I enjoy coffee in the morning. So I try and lean on decaf more. And I enjoy pre-workouts before I train. So I try and look for non-caffeinated ones. So I try and live as low caffeinated as possible. Right now, I'm taking in more caffeine than I'd like, so I'm working on it. But it's something that I do notice with the influx of caffeine in my diet, the influx of anxiety happens as well. So if you are someone who is struggling a little bit with anxiety and you are someone who drinks six or seven cups of coffee a day, there might be a slight correlation. Okay. So that is a little bit about my personal background and experience with anxiety medication. That was the only time in my life that I've ever been on anxiety medication. However, I still deal with anxiety on a pretty regular basis, you guys, this is still something that is common in my life. Something that I use to cope. And I use this actually for my seasonal affective disorder too. I noticed in the fall winter time, especially here on the west coast, in Vancouver, where it gets really gray and rainy that I can go into these unmotivated feeling kind of blah moods into the fall. And I've found a way of supporting my body and my emotional health that doesn't require medication. And I'd like to share that with you. The reference I'm going to use here is a book called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. She is a psychologist who works with a neuron-nutritionist. And in this book, The Mood Cure, they talk about anxiety, Uh, depression, sleep disorders, eating disorders, alcoholism addiction, all of it. And what I love about this book is it is a self coaching book. And what I mean by that is when you pick it up and read it, they don't just tell you what is wrong with you or what's going on? They talk about each of these kinds of areas. And you can find areas that you relate to. There's some personal quizzes and self-diagnosis exams you can take in the book. And then they actually help you. In this book, it teaches you how to treat it with food and with free form amino acids, which are just tiny little building blocks that create protein.
So what I've learned from my personal experiences and from what I've researched on mental health is having a nutritional plan, having a diet. I don't like the word diet, but the way you eat has so much to do with your mental health. And having a diet that is high in protein, high-end vegetables and nutrient dense foods is a game-changer. I notice when my diet is hiring carbohydrates, even complex carbohydrates, higher in fruit, higher in sugar. If I'm drinking a lot of alcohol, especially wine, my mental health goes downhill, pretty rapidly. My anxiety comes back. My depression sets in. It's something that only takes a few days of me not eating right. So, what I really want to encourage you to do, if anxiety is something that you suffer with, get your nutrition in check. Make sure that you are not over consuming caffeine, sugar, concentrated carbohydrates and that you're getting enough protein and nutrient dense vegetables. It can make such a difference. All right. You guys, if you have any questions at all, about my personal experiences with anxiety, or if you're someone who's kind of borderline, where you have some anxiety, but you think that you can manage it via nutrition with exercise and possibly a little bit of help from amino acid therapy feel free to reach out. I'm happy to talk to you about it. I'm happy to kind of point you in the right direction. The Mood Cure is a fantastic read for anyone who personally has anxiety or depression or an unhealthy relationship with food. It is also a great read, if you have a family member or a spouse who struggles with mood. Maybe they're not in a place where they're physically capable of reading the book on their own. If someone is struggling with anxiety or depression, sometimes it can be really hard to take in information, but you being part of their support system, might be able to read it and help them out. Help fuel them better for success. So lots of options there, but know that if you do suffer from anxiety, that it is totally a normal human emotion. It is part of our experience. What we want to make sure is that that anxiety isn't holding you hostage. It's not keeping you in a cage of perpetual paralysis. We want to make sure that it's at a level that you can still function and you know, it might be scary. There might be a little anxiety, but you do it anyway. You do the thing anyway. You show up anyway. You socialize anyway. Right. I think that the goal shouldn't be to try and get rid of anxiety permanently. It should be that we notice our anxiety come up and we go, oh, I'm feeling anxiety. Why, because I'm getting ready to do a big speech in front of a thousand people. Okay. It makes sense that I'm feeling anxiety because my brain is afraid that I might humiliate myself. I might screw up. I might say the wrong thing. People might have thoughts. It's totally normal that I would be anxious about this, but I'm going to do it anyway. And every time we push through that little layer of anxiety or even that thick river of anxiety, every time we push through, we'll get a little bit more resilient to it. We'll get a little bit stronger. So that next time, our brain isn't quite as nervous, isn't quite as scared, and isn't quite as anxious about it. I'm at a place now you guys, 10 years plus later, where I still feel the hives, but now when I feel the hives, I don't have anxiety about having anxiety anymore. I don't have anxiety about the hives. I'm not embarrassed by them. Instead, I will talk about them. The last time I had hives was only about six weeks ago. I, uh, was doing a live call with a new group of transformers and I was telling them about the program and I broke out like in serious hives. And I said to them, hey, you guys, just in case you're wondering, I am turning bright red and splotchy right now. And this is just how my body reacts when I'm in a heightened state of anxiousness and my body doesn't seem to know the difference between anxiousness and excitement. So sometimes excitement, even a little bit of nervousness, excitement can cause a flare up. So I just told them about it. And most of them didn't even notice that I had the red splotches. Right. But me talking about it helped release some of that anxiety because I used to get the hives and then I'd freak out about having the hives and I'd get embarrassed about it and I'd see it in the zoom video. And then the hives would get worse and they'd stay for longer. And now when I talk about them. And let people know what's going on. I noticed that the hives dissipate a lot faster, usually 10 minutes into the call. I get comfortable. My brain goes into less panic about people judging me and having thoughts and me saying the wrong thing and I'm able to relax a little bit and the hives disappear. So, that's where I'm currently at with anxiety. I feel like I'm learning to cope better. The work that we do, the work that I'm doing right now to process and understand and feel emotion is some of the best human work I've ever done. I think that it is so important for all of us, especially us adults that haven't learned, that our thoughts create our feelings and that our feelings need to be felt and processed in order for us to move on and grow and become the best versions of ourselves. So feel free to reach out to me. Email me, [email protected].
If you want to put your foot into the water of being a little bit more vulnerable and share your story with me. I'm happy to provide that space for you to hold space for you. Know that when you open up and when you tell people what's going on for you, when you share your feelings, when you share your stories, when you share your fears, your shame, your anxiety, your ego, all of it. Do you feel more connected? Do you feel more available? And the tightness dissipates. All right my friends, have a fantastic week and I will see you next week. Bye for now.
