#48 - Vulnerability & Truth
Hey, hey ladies. How are you this week? You guys, it's August. This is my birth month. When this episode airs on August 3rd, I will have seven more days of being in my thirties. On August 11th, I turned the big four. Oh. It's going to be a transformational year. I can feel it. It's almost felt like throughout the last few years of my thirties, it's been building up. And this past year, specifically, has been so emotionally releasing for me and so transformational already that I feel like moving into my 40th birthday is going to be a little life changing. I'm sure that so many of you women out there who are already in your forties or fifties, will agree with me that life just keeps getting better. Like at 20, I was like, this is amazing. Life can't get any better than this. And then at 30, I thought 30 was the most amazing year. I won my first pro card that year. I met my husband that year. It was just an incredible year. And, 40 I think is going to beat it all hands down and I am super excited about it. So we've got some fun stuff coming up in the next few weeks. I'll share with you as things happen. I promise. But today, we're doing our eighth episode in the vulnerability series episode number 48 is on vulnerability and truth.] And I'm going to start out with telling you guys some truth.
Last week's episode on vulnerability and trauma was a really difficult episode for me to record and to edit and produce, and then to actually put out into the world, there was a lot of internal resistance with putting my shit out there, like, just to say it, openly. And, um, this week, even before recording this episode, there's been a lot of resistance and emotion and kind of a buildup. And procrastination about recording it and yesterday I got a beautiful message in my private fitness app from one of my Lady Sculptors. Talking about how this series has helped her and thanking me for being so open and vulnerable. And it reminded me that, as much as I'm doing this series, selfishly to kind of emotionally move through and release some of my things. I also do this podcast for you guys, and I want you guys to benefit from it. So that message, thank you, Rose. Just filled me up and reminded me why I do this and why I'm talking about this and why I'm sharing it and why I'm pushing through the hard and why it matters because so many of us think that we're all alone in what we're going through and that our human experience is harder than everyone else's and we look around us at the people who are thriving or doing better than us or our coaches or teachers or instructors or the people we look up to our role models. And we think that their life is perfect and that they've got it all together. And you guys. Or all going through this human experience and no matter how perfect someone's life looks on the Instagrams or how perfect someone's life looks from the outside, every single human being is going through the 50:50, fifty percent good, fifty percent bad. And it's how we juggle it and how we look at it. And the stories that we tell about it that make us feel how we feel about it. So remember that when you look at somebody, we see this in the news when we see like an Instagram influencer the committed suicide or a celebrity that commits suicide. And we are reminded, so like smacked in the face that everybody struggles. All of us have insecurities and everybody has mental health. You guys, mental health is not a stigma to certain people who are struggling with it, just like we all have physical health, we all have mental health, but the term mental health has been stigma into being something that sounds weak or bad or crazy. And it's not, emotional and mental health is just as important as the food you eat and the workouts you do. Right. The work you do on your mindset and on your emotional state, It's just as important. If not more so. Okay. So, If you are struggling, or if you are feeling something, please reach out, save space, email me. I'll put my email in the show notes. All right, you guys let's talk about vulnerability and truth.
So in last week's episode, I touched on my story a little bit. I gave you guys a little bit of background and I'm just gonna touch on it a little bit deeper. We're going to deep dive into it a little bit, and I really want to let you know that I'm sharing this very much from my own perspective, my own point of view, my memories. And it has nothing to do with blaming or shaming or hurting anybody else. I love my family, I love every member of my story, and this is just about how I processed it and how it shaped who I was and who I am growing into. So, my name is Lylas, you may know me from this podcast, what you may not know is my name is an acronym. Lylas stands for love you like a sister it's spelled Lylas. And I was named this by my mom. I was adopted between two sisters. So I was raised by my biological aunt. She was the older sister, her younger sister had gotten pregnant and decided to give up the baby. And luckily enough, I was able to stay in the same family and I was handed off to my mom who absolutely thought I was the best gift she could have received. Now, from what I understand about this story is there was a packed, made between the sisters that I would be raised by mom, my biological aunt as her daughter and this was all decided before I was born. So when I came out, I went home with my adopted mom, my biological aunt. And It wasn't a big deal. I was loved from the get go, and I was cherished and taken care of. And then around the age of two a day came where I asked my mom about by birth and she was very honest with me and I'm so appreciative of that honesty. And she told me, oh, I didn't give birth to you, your auntie gave birth to you and I was there and this is what happened. And she said it to me in a way that just made sense and it didn't feel awkward or weird, and I just kept going with my question. as a two year old goes, but from that moment I knew. So it was never a secret to me. It was not a big deal until I was a little bit older and we would go to family gatherings with my biological mom and my half-brothers and because of the pact my mom's had made, they were called my cousins. And that's how everything was kind of viewed upon. But little Lylas knew that they were my half-brothers and we really shared a mom and I really wanted brothers. I really wanted them to know that and I really wanted to be part of it. And I wanted to be myself in the whole truth of it. I didn't want it. To be a secret. So from a young age, I started talking about it and telling these very young boys, I think I was four or five, maybe six, the first time I brought it up and the oldest is two years younger than me. So, I would tell them, and they'd be confused. They wouldn't understand and they'd go running to their mom and she would let them know that I was confused or she would say something and it was never the whole truth. And I grew up and we're going to fast forward a little bit here. I grew up through my childhood and through my teens, just wanting to not be a secret within my family, just wanting the truth to be available to everyone. And my biological mom had her reasons, she had her own fears and shame and whatever feeling she was feeling. I'm not going to pretend I know, she had her own reasons for not wanting that secrets to be out in the world. And now I recognize that it has nothing to do with me. I recognize that it was her reasons that kept her from wanting it, out there. But I. Didn't understand that as a young child, I thought I wasn't worthy enough, or I had done something wrong or. It was me that was at fault and that couldn't be accepted as myself. And that really created some deep scars, some deep characteristics in me that I'm still spending time trying to iron out and to uncover and process my desire to be accepted so badly. Created a need to be accepted in every area of my life and in high school, I kind of sent me down a dark path because the people that were the most accepting to me. May not have been the best role models for me when I was 15, my mom sent me to live with my uncle because I was hanging out with a crew that the direction I was heading to was, you know, jail or worse. And again, I'm so grateful to my mom for, for making that decision and making that hard decision because I did not want to go and sending me to Arizona that year because it was a pivotal year for me, getting out of the group that I was in and kind of shaking me from the path I was on and reintegrating me in school, making sure that my grades were good. I played state volleyball down there. I did exceptionally well. And when I came back from that trip. I, um, I spent a little bit of time back home and then my biological mom extended an offer for me to come and live with them in Ontario. And I don't remember why the offer was extended. I was living with a friend and her parents and it was going fine. But when the offer was extended, I remember being so excited about the possibility of showing my biological mom that I was worthy of the truth. And so I went, I packed my bags. 16, went out to Ontario to do my sophomore year. And I got to live with, I had five half-brothers and I got to live with my biological mom and they were a very religious family. And I got integrated into the church. I went to church six days a week. You guys went to church on Sundays and seminary every day before school. And I did the things I went from a very rebellious, very teenager troubled life of alcohol and drugs and running away. And all nighters to living a very religious life. And I remember just going all in on this life thinking if I can be the best mormon girl possible, maybe I will be worthy of the truth. And so I did all of the things. I went to church. And we're the right clothes. I said the right things. And I remember about three months into that year, I sat down with my biological mom at the kitchen table after everyone had gone to bed.
And I said, okay, I've been baptized. I joined the woman's youth committee and rose up to a leadership role really quickly. And, um, I was proud of myself. I felt like I proved myself worthy. And when I sat down and spoke with my biological mom and said, hey, can we talk about this. Can we tell the boys? I remember her saying. They're too young. They're not ready yet. And she made it about them. And I really wish that she had just been really honest with me and said that it was about her because I had been told at a young age and I was fine. I remember, years later we sat down and had another conversation. This was probably about half a decade later. And I remember telling her, asking her again, Hey, can we tell everybody the truth? Can I come out of this perfect real closet? And she said to me, something that went through my heart, like a knife. She said, Lylas do think that telling them will make them love you more and it, It wasn't about that. It was about me getting to be me exactly who I am. So are you guys okay? And what I recognized when she said that, and it took me a while to figure this out because I was very much in a state of fight or flight from the rejection trauma. But I recognized afterwards her saying that It brought forth the idea. That she thought the boys finding out might mean they would love her less. They would judge her. And I think pretty highly of my brothers. I think they're spectacular human beings and I think that they would rise above that. I don't think there would be judgment. I think that it's something that has been made up in her mind for many years. But because of that fear and that emotion that she was feeling. I couldn't convince her. There was nothing I could do to convince her that my truth was worth being out there. And I recognize now, many years later, that my truth is also her truth and that her story, what she went through and her reasons are not my story to share. My story is about my experience of it and the rejection and the feelings of left out and unworthiness that I experienced through that. And from what I went through, trying to please her and prove myself or the end be accepted. I developed such a survival instinct to please. And I didn't recognize this until much later. If you've heard my work before, or if you've gone through the transformation program, you'll know when we talk about people pleasing in week eight of the transformation program, I am a certified designated self-proclaimed people pleaser and I used to wear it around like a badge.
And a few years ago when I met my coach, Brooke Castillo, the founder of the life coach school. I was listening to one of her podcasts and she said people pleasers are liars. And I was like, but I am totally offended. I'm not a liar. What are you talking about? I just want to be liked and want to be accepted and want to fit in. And so I found that I would mold myself into whatever situation I was in. I was very chameleon-ish. I could be one way with a certain group and I could be a different way with another group and I could get along with absolutely everybody. And I thought that it was a skill. But what I learned after working with my coach for many, many, many months. Ongoing years now, is that because of my desire to please because of that rejection and the desire to be accepted, that came at such a vulnerable time in my childhood. I had never really grown into my authentic self. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. I didn't trust my voice enough to say what I believed or what my opinion was because I had been told my voice was wrong. And I had been told that my voice was confused and I had been shut down for being authentically me at such a crucial age. So I've spent so much time and this year, especially you guys, I feel like this is my year of learning to use my voice. This podcast has been such a big part of that for me, learning to share what I believe and my strategies for weight loss and for competition prep and from building muscle. And all of the things that Lady Sculpt Lifestyle encompasses. I have learned to put my voice out there. And if people don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. They don't have to listen. It's okay. I do not have to please everybody. You guys thought it was such a big lesson for me. Learning that I could show up exactly as who I am. And if someone didn't care for me, couldn't care for who I was, it's their loss. I think I'm fantastic. The way I like to describe this to my transformers is I compare myself to a fine vintage red wine. And not everyone likes red wine. Some people prefer cheap red wine. Some people like white wine, some people like beer, and some people don't drink alcohol. It doesn't make the wine any less amazing. It doesn't make that vintage expensive red wine any less desirable or any less valuable? Any less worthy, just means they don't care for wine and that's fine. Not everyone's going to like wine. And I've learned to accept that I'm not going to be for everybody. But now that I show up as me, the people that do like me, the people that do care for vintage red wine, they think I'm the best thing ever. They are my people, they are my tribe and I've started finally for the first time in my life, creating relationships and friendships that feel authentic, that feel deep and soulful and trustworthy because finally I'm telling people the truth. I'm not showing up as a version of myself that I think like, I'm showing up as me. And that is such a beautiful thing.
I just want to talk to the women out there listening to this. Just want to talk to you. If any of this is resonating and you notice that you are showing up in a way that is people pleasing or inauthentic to you and how you notice this is when you show up in a way that you later feel shame about, or you later resent when you say yes to doing something and you later resented, or you don't want to do it, if someone brings you cookies and you say, thank you, I love cookies, but you're trying to lose weight. Right. You tell these little white lies to make that person feel better even though it's not true for you. That's what my coach meant by people pleasers or liars is they tell little white lies to make other people happy, to make other people feel better at the expense of themselves, at the expense of being themselves, being honest and showing up as themselves. And what that creates is these inauthentic relationships. These very topical fake relationships that don't feel good. So back to my story, back to my life at finally at 35, which is five years ago now, I sent an email to all five of my brothers and both of my moms that spoke my truth. And I did it from a place that was very much about me wanting to be honest. And able to show up at family events as myself a hundred percent. I also now have two nephews and two more on the way. And I wanted to be an aunt. I wanted to be accepted as an aunt and I wanted to be able to show up for my nieces and nephews. In a way that feels different from a second cousin. So to me, it was really important. I was really proud of myself for sending that email. I knew that it could create some drama. I knew that it could create a bit more alienation. I did not get Uh, response from that email, there was no reaction and I didn't need one, didn't expect one. But what it did was it made me really proud of myself, for the first time in my whole life I felt like I had my back in that situation. I stood up for myself. I was able to step into my truth. And since then, I've been on this journey over. Oh, that's probably actually when the kind of the dam broke and I started doing so much self-discovery work, so much self development work and really has led me up to now coming up to my 40th birthday. Where I'm really learning how to authentically show up as myself and how to speak up for myself and how to put myself first. The people pleasing you guys, it probably took it's as I am still unwinding it. I still notice myself doing it. I still make offers and suggestions that are at my own expense. But I catch myself doing that now, I'm aware of it now I notice it now and I can back peddle. I actually just recently did this. So an example of people pleasing you. So I recently sold my executive desk. This is something I'm actually really proud of you guys. I'm taking my whole company paperless. So we're going to be doing all of our notes. All of our client charts, everything is going to be done on I-pads and I'm trying to leave as little fingerprint as possible within my company. So I'm removing all the papers. So I sold my big executive desk and I've moved to a minimalist set up that just has my technology and my single table desk. No drawers, no filing cabinets. All of it's gone. So proud of that. Anyway, I sold my desk. This guy shows up, he has a little hatchback, it's a giant desk. It breaks into three pieces. And he's like, oh, okay, I'm going to have to do this on trips. Are you busy today? Are you going to be around? And I noticed myself offering to load a piece into my jeep and drive it to his house that was not part of the original deal that would have taken much time out of my schedule. And I think it was pretty blown away by that offer, but he's like, I can do this just as long as it's not a hassle for you. So I helped him load the pieces into his vehicle. One at a time he'd leave. He'd come back an hour later. We'd load a second one. He'd leave. The second piece he took was giant and heavy and he expressed that he was concerned that he wouldn't be able to get it into his condo by himself. And after he left, I caught myself typing out a text message saying. Hey, if you can't find someone to help you get it out at your end, let me know and I'll come over and help. You guys, this is such a people pleaser moment. I noticed myself doing that. I was having a busy day. It was going to take time out of my schedule that I did not have to give. But I was willing to help someone else out at my own expense. And I'm not saying that we shouldn't do this. I'm not saying that we shouldn't volunteer to help people by offering charity work. And put other people's needs before their own. But not if it's at the expense of ourselves, not if it takes away from things we're doing for ourselves, not if we feel negative feelings or resentful about it after the fact. Right. You want to help other people in a way that feels good for you? I want to help other people in a way that feels really good for me if I had a completely free day. Absolutely, I would have done that. Right. But I didn't. So I noticed myself typing this text message out and I was like, Nope, Layla's, you do not need to offer this. This is too much. And I noticed myself doing that in my business as well. I offer too much or I put out so much value and I undervalue myself and this is all just causing a fact of that people pleasing mentality. And ladies, so many of us do this. I feel like as women, we are a little bit pre-dispositioned to this. It's almost like we're taught to do this as kids, we're taught to make other people happy and be obedient and, please our elders and be a good girl. And we are taught to put other people's feelings before our own from a very young age, we're taught that we're responsible for other people's feelings and other people are responsible for our feelings. This is all bullshit. Sorry. That's my authentic self coming out right there. Other people's feelings are not more important than yours and you are not responsible for other people's feelings, other people's thoughts, create their feelings. Your thoughts, create your feelings. Therefore other people are responsible for how they feel and you are responsible for how you feel. That's it. That's all. So if you are a people pleaser, my friend, if you're a part of that tribe. First off. Don't beat yourself up for it. There's many of us. Start to become more aware of it. Start to notice where you are. Helping people or saying yes or showing up at your own expense. And start deciding how you want to show up and how you'd rather not when to put yourself first. Plan in your workouts and then make those time slots, like they're the most important part of your day. They are the meeting with the CEO of your health and fitness. They can not be canceled or postponed or delayed. It's important, your goals should be at the top of the list because when you are working on you and being your best self and showing up authentically as you. You are way more used to the people around you. You are way happier, way mentally healthy, physically healthy. You are able to show up fully engaged and capable of taking care of the people in your life and the people you love. This is why speaking our truth is so important. What I've learned over the last 40 years is the truth. Is the best choice. It may be the hard choice at the time. But it hurts less in the long run. If I could go back and give little me, one piece of advice. I would tell her to scream at the top of her lungs. Tell her truth, stop worrying about other people's feelings and just be authentically her. That it was fine. Everything will be fine. She was worthy of being exactly who she was. And ladies, so are you. Show up authentically as you, you are the only one that can do that. You have gifts that nobody else has. You have opinions that are uniquely yours, that this world needs. When you show up and don't share your opinion. The world is missing on you. So if you take one thing away from this podcast today, find your truth. Spend time getting to know you, what you want, what you like, what is important to you? What are your values? What are your core beliefs? Who do you want to be? And what do you want to create in this world? And then move forward in life from that place, holding your truth, sacred to your heart. All right. My friends, that's episode number 48. One more to go and then we're back to fitness and nutrition. All right my friends, have a beautiful week. I'll see you next week. Bye for now.
